Happy?!?

Ok, I have been up here at my mommas house for almost two weeks. I went back home on the fourth and came back the night of the fifth. I loved spending time with my boyfriend, but at the same time I am still not ready to live in the house with 2 men. I still need my mom.

It made me sad when he looked at me and asked "what do I have to do to make you stay? I will do whatever it takes!"

To be honest there is nothing that he can do. There is nothing anyone can do to make me stay in Champaign, or to make me happy!

This time when he dropped me off at the train station he didnt go in with me because he was already crying in the car. I love him so much and I didnt want to leave him, but I HAD to!

From what he was saying when I was there with him, I think that when I go back home he and i are getting married. I dont know yet, I just have to wait it out I guess!

today is the day!

Today Im going home to my mom and stepdads house! Im leaving around 8 p.m. my time and will get there around 9 p.m. Im so excited!!

I have been thinking about all the "change" that has been goin on in my life and have decided that I am no longer the old me, therefore I should change my appearance a little bit. I went from having darkish brown hair, to having a wonderful reddish color. I also got a tattoo yesterday that I have wanted to get for 6 months, but wasnt sure if I should. Well, I did! I love it and so does my boyfriend!

I dont know how to put pictures in these blog posts...if I did know how I would show pics of the tattoo and my new hair!

Tired of it ALL!

Im tired of everyone coming to me telling me how hard their life is because their boyfriend hasnt called them in a week and how I "dont understand" what they are going through!
Im tired of people telling me that i lost Amia because...(insensitive comment here)!
Im tired of crying everyday and night!
Im tired of only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night!
I have no clue where i am going with this post, but whatever!
Seriously, do people think that I am "over" losing my daughter? Do they think it is ok to come to me with stupid B.S. about boyfriends not calling and then tell me i dont understand what they are going through and i dont know what emotional pain really is?
For many years I have provided a shoulder for people to cry on and have never once complained about it and now, in my time of need everyone is trying to cry on my shoulder about petty problems and refuse to talk to me about Amia. The only person who have really talked to me about my daughter is my mom and i feel weird talking to her because i know how heart broken she is and she has never had a miscarriage. How am i supposed to expect her to understand where i am coming from if she has never experianced it herself! Dont get me wrong, i love my mom and enjoy talking to her about Amia, even though at times it is very emotional, but i would love to be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes!
I just want to attack someone, anyone, right now! I am so frustrated, hurt, tired, and sick that it makes no sense. How am I supposed to "be ok" with everything that is going on, help everyone with their problems, and at the same time deal with losing my daughter without talkin to anyone about her?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH EVERYONE ELSES PETTY ASS BULLSHIT WHEN I CANT EVEN DEAL WITH LOSING MY DAUGHTER?
How is it that you want me to tell you why your boyfriend isnt calling or why you still have morning sickness or why your mom is "being unfair" when I cant even tell my mom or boyfriend why my daughter died!?!? How am I supposed to answer your 1,00,000 questions when NO ONE can answer my ONE question!
If people dont realize that I am not in the mood to hear their bullshit right now, and want to focus on my life then they are going to get a rude awakening! No longer am i going to be a push over! I need "me" time...I need someone to talk to...I need a shoulder to cry on!!