Dreams!

I dont know where to begin.

Ok, last night before my boyfriend and I went to sleep I considered talking to him about Amia, but every time i went to say something I cried. He wiped my tears and held me tight against him and rocked me to sleep.

This morning, around 5:20, I woke up and was having a dream about Amia. It was the most real dream that I have ever had. I was giving birth to her, at 18 1/2 weeks, and when she came out she let out this little squeel that sounded like a newborn puppy or kitten. The nurse refused to let me see her or hold her because they wanted her to die. My boyfriend came in and took Amia from the nurse and handed her tiny body to me, picked me up out of the bed, and carried me to the car. Once we got in the car we had no clue where to go, but we knew we had to leave cause the doctor was chasing us trying to kill our baby.

We ended up at another hospital and when we showed them Amia they were so shocked that she was still alive and that she was larger than normal 18 1/2 week babies! They hooked her up to a ton of machines, ran a bunch of tests, and finally told me it was ok for me to go back and hold my baby! They had given me a shot to help my milk come in and said that if I wanted to I could breast feed her.

I walked back into this room and couldnt find the incubator that had Amia in it. I started panicing and yelling at the nurses because I thought that had stolen my baby. Well, my boyfriend pointed out the incubator that had our little girl in it. I took her out, sat down and startec examining her body. She had all 10 fingers and toes, 2 ears, 2 eyes...everything was perfect. She was definitely the most beautiful baby I had ever seen!

When I breast feed her it was one of the most surreal moments! I couldnt believe that not only did she survive, but she was breast feeding and everything appeared to be fine. Daddy took her from me and spent some time with little Amia.

The last thing I saw in my dream was him holding her kinda close to his face and he was about to kiss her little chunky cheek!

In my dream she looked just like she did the day I gave birth to her!

Oooh how I wish she could be here with us right now. I long to hold her, cuddle her, change her diaper, bathe her, breast feed her, talk to her...I could go on and on, but no matter how much I want her back nothing is ever going to bring her to me! I will never again see my little Amia Grace. I will never hold her to my breast and watch her eat! I will never see her take her first steps, nor will I ever hear her first word! It a tough reality that I have to face every second of every day until my final day comes, and then her and I will become once more!!

I love you baby girl!!

A poem for my baby

Ok, I had a dream last night that I was writing a poem for Amia. Well, I woke up at 3:20 am, grabbed a paper and pen and wrote down what I remembered.

I didnt take pictures of her when she was born, I didnt get her footprints, none of that good stuff. I was in shock because it all happened so fast I didnt have time to really think.

I am going to make a scrapbook or something for her. This poem will be in it!

Amia Grace

From the time I knew you existed I longed to hold you against my chest.
I vowed to be not only a good mom, but to be the BEST
I longed to teach you how to talk
Watch you learn to crawl, and teach you to walk.
YOur grandma was eagerly awaiting to be a YaYa
And I could wait to hear you say mama
Even during the rough patches you made everything feel a little better
even when the morning sickness made me feel "under the weather!"
I didnt mind that you kicked me when I should have been asleep.
How did you make it hurt so much, with those ity bity feet?
You would have been my little princess,
my heart, my soul, my world.
but after a short 18 1/2 weeks something went wrong,
and you my love, my daughter, my angel, were gone.
You will never walk this earth nor breathe this air
Yes baby, I know its not fair!
I would have done anything for you to live,
for you, my own life I would give!
But, no matter how many tears i shed or how loud i scream
you will never be here physically...you will always feel like a dream.
You will always be in mommys heart and on my mind
you are the treasure I seek to find.
I may not have taken your picture or kissed you little head
but every night yours is the face I see before going to bed!
I swear to you baby, I will never forget your beautiful face.
You will always be MY Amia Grace!

She was my first born and always will be!

I love you AMIA GRACE!

Amia Grace

Upon "giving birth" to my daughter I assumed that I would name her Lainey Jolene, after all that was the name that I had picked if I had a girl.

Up until yesterday I hadnt told anyone that she was a girl, not even my own mom. Yesterday I decided that I wanted my baby to have a name that meant something! A name that an angel would have. I talked to my mom for a bit then asked her to look up names for boys and girls that meant beloved or loved something along those lines. The first few names she came up with were boys names.

Well, she eventually came up with some girls names. There was Amia, Jahzarrah, Grace, Shushaunna, and a few others. She told me that Amia means beloved and Grace means God Favor. After hearing that I knew my baby girl finally had a name. Amia Grace!

Jahzarrah means princess, and beloved princess would have been a lovely name meaning, but I dont need a name that means princess to remind me. No matter what, I will always think of her as my little princess, my angel!

To me, there is no other name in the world that is so fitting for my daughter!

Amia Grace, you WILL be missed dearly, but you will NEVER be forgotten!

Mommy, daddy, YaYa, and PaPa will always miss and love you!