A poem for my baby

Ok, I had a dream last night that I was writing a poem for Amia. Well, I woke up at 3:20 am, grabbed a paper and pen and wrote down what I remembered.

I didnt take pictures of her when she was born, I didnt get her footprints, none of that good stuff. I was in shock because it all happened so fast I didnt have time to really think.

I am going to make a scrapbook or something for her. This poem will be in it!

Amia Grace

From the time I knew you existed I longed to hold you against my chest.
I vowed to be not only a good mom, but to be the BEST
I longed to teach you how to talk
Watch you learn to crawl, and teach you to walk.
YOur grandma was eagerly awaiting to be a YaYa
And I could wait to hear you say mama
Even during the rough patches you made everything feel a little better
even when the morning sickness made me feel "under the weather!"
I didnt mind that you kicked me when I should have been asleep.
How did you make it hurt so much, with those ity bity feet?
You would have been my little princess,
my heart, my soul, my world.
but after a short 18 1/2 weeks something went wrong,
and you my love, my daughter, my angel, were gone.
You will never walk this earth nor breathe this air
Yes baby, I know its not fair!
I would have done anything for you to live,
for you, my own life I would give!
But, no matter how many tears i shed or how loud i scream
you will never be here physically...you will always feel like a dream.
You will always be in mommys heart and on my mind
you are the treasure I seek to find.
I may not have taken your picture or kissed you little head
but every night yours is the face I see before going to bed!
I swear to you baby, I will never forget your beautiful face.
You will always be MY Amia Grace!

She was my first born and always will be!

I love you AMIA GRACE!

Amia Grace

Upon "giving birth" to my daughter I assumed that I would name her Lainey Jolene, after all that was the name that I had picked if I had a girl.

Up until yesterday I hadnt told anyone that she was a girl, not even my own mom. Yesterday I decided that I wanted my baby to have a name that meant something! A name that an angel would have. I talked to my mom for a bit then asked her to look up names for boys and girls that meant beloved or loved something along those lines. The first few names she came up with were boys names.

Well, she eventually came up with some girls names. There was Amia, Jahzarrah, Grace, Shushaunna, and a few others. She told me that Amia means beloved and Grace means God Favor. After hearing that I knew my baby girl finally had a name. Amia Grace!

Jahzarrah means princess, and beloved princess would have been a lovely name meaning, but I dont need a name that means princess to remind me. No matter what, I will always think of her as my little princess, my angel!

To me, there is no other name in the world that is so fitting for my daughter!

Amia Grace, you WILL be missed dearly, but you will NEVER be forgotten!

Mommy, daddy, YaYa, and PaPa will always miss and love you!

WHY ME??

Tomorrow would have been the "big day!" The day I was to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Well, I found out on Sunday that the baby that I have been carrying is no longer alive and that she would have been a girl! She WOULD have been my lil Lainey Jolene, my lil side kick, my little me, but now she is my angel baby!

The night before I found out my Lainey Jo was no longer alive my boyfriend and i had been looking at carseats, strollers, pack 'n' play's, cribs, breast pumps...all that good stuff. Not even 8 hours later I was in the E.R.

When I looked at the ultra sounds screen and I didnt see the heart beat at first I knew that my worst fears had come true. My baby, my moms first grandchild, my brother and sisters niece was no longer alive. I probably should have expected it because I hadnt felt her move in a day or two, which was unusual, but knowing that I had been, am still am carrying my dead baby inside me scared me! Yes, I was given the choice to get a D&C or whatever they do when you are this far along, but I didnt want to risk it! I decided that it would be better if I let my body do what it is intended to do.

I have a feeling that this is all my fault! My mom told me it isnt, but I cant help but think it is! From the time I first found out that I was pregnant it seems as though everyone else is, well was, happier about it than I was. It doesnt/didnt help that I was constintly stressed because of family problems and I was always sad and still am sad!

The thing that really worries me is that when I "give birth" to my daughter I wont want to see her. I know it will hurt me to NOT see her, but I am scared that once I see my precious Lainey Jo I wont want to let her go and that I will become depressed again.

For the past 7 years I have been struggling with severe depression, PTSD, insomnia, and many other "disorders" due to past trauma, but I am very scared that seeing my baby will make things worse! I have only seen two dead bodies in my short 20 years of life and both of them were elderly people. The second person was my grandma and that was a little over two years ago and I still have not fully recovered from her death! She was my heart, my confidant, the keeper of all my secrets!

Ugh...I dont know what to do or think! I just wish that things were different!