WHY ME??

Tomorrow would have been the "big day!" The day I was to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Well, I found out on Sunday that the baby that I have been carrying is no longer alive and that she would have been a girl! She WOULD have been my lil Lainey Jolene, my lil side kick, my little me, but now she is my angel baby!

The night before I found out my Lainey Jo was no longer alive my boyfriend and i had been looking at carseats, strollers, pack 'n' play's, cribs, breast pumps...all that good stuff. Not even 8 hours later I was in the E.R.

When I looked at the ultra sounds screen and I didnt see the heart beat at first I knew that my worst fears had come true. My baby, my moms first grandchild, my brother and sisters niece was no longer alive. I probably should have expected it because I hadnt felt her move in a day or two, which was unusual, but knowing that I had been, am still am carrying my dead baby inside me scared me! Yes, I was given the choice to get a D&C or whatever they do when you are this far along, but I didnt want to risk it! I decided that it would be better if I let my body do what it is intended to do.

I have a feeling that this is all my fault! My mom told me it isnt, but I cant help but think it is! From the time I first found out that I was pregnant it seems as though everyone else is, well was, happier about it than I was. It doesnt/didnt help that I was constintly stressed because of family problems and I was always sad and still am sad!

The thing that really worries me is that when I "give birth" to my daughter I wont want to see her. I know it will hurt me to NOT see her, but I am scared that once I see my precious Lainey Jo I wont want to let her go and that I will become depressed again.

For the past 7 years I have been struggling with severe depression, PTSD, insomnia, and many other "disorders" due to past trauma, but I am very scared that seeing my baby will make things worse! I have only seen two dead bodies in my short 20 years of life and both of them were elderly people. The second person was my grandma and that was a little over two years ago and I still have not fully recovered from her death! She was my heart, my confidant, the keeper of all my secrets!

Ugh...I dont know what to do or think! I just wish that things were different!