Monday, December 14, 2009

The past 5.5 months

It has been quite some time since i have posted anything new.

In these past 5 months I have done a lot of "soul searching," crying, talking, and remembering. I Have been through hell and I am now on my way back! People have said some very hurtful things to me about why THEY think that my daughter is not here with me!

I have cried day after day, especially on Amia's EDD, because she is not here with me! She is not in her moms arms, she isn't being spoiled by her Ya-Ya Poppa grandma and grandpa, she isn't laughing at the funny faces I make or the funny voices I do, she isn't keeping me awake night after night wanting to be held, she isn't being held like a precious and fragile package by her uncle, and most importantly she isn't being loved by her mom the way she should be! Yes, I do love my daughter, but not the way I should! I should love her every move, smile, face, coo, dirty diaper, cry, yawn, stretch, and development! Instead I am only loving the memories of her and changes her life, and unfortunately her death, have brought to mine.

I have changed so much since the day I found out that I was going to be a mom. I stopped smoking, stopped "partying," I ate healthy when I was pregnant, I exercised on a daily basis, I established an amazing relationship and bond with my own mother. When I gave birth to my daughter everything seemed to either stop dead in its tracks or pick back up where I left it. I started smoking again, stopped eating healthy, didn't exercise as much, but my relationship with my mom has developed even more than I thought. We have become closer than what we were when I was pregnant! She may not know exactly how I feel, but she is trying to understand.

I feel as though I wronged my mother by not calling her the minute I found out that Amia was no longer with us. She never got to see Amia, never got to hold her, never got to tell her one last time that she loves her! I feel horrible!

I am the only person, that I know for sure, saw Amia! I remember everything about my daughter! From the length of her hair, to the shape of her eyes and nose, to the chubbiness of her cheeks, and the size of her tiny precious body! I see her every in my dreams, but I feel as though that is not enough!


On to other news about what I have been up to the past 5 1/2 months: my fiance and I set a date, i have been hanging out with my future in laws quite frequently, and I think I have decided that I would like to have another child!

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