Monday, December 14, 2009

The past 5.5 months

It has been quite some time since i have posted anything new.

In these past 5 months I have done a lot of "soul searching," crying, talking, and remembering. I Have been through hell and I am now on my way back! People have said some very hurtful things to me about why THEY think that my daughter is not here with me!

I have cried day after day, especially on Amia's EDD, because she is not here with me! She is not in her moms arms, she isn't being spoiled by her Ya-Ya Poppa grandma and grandpa, she isn't laughing at the funny faces I make or the funny voices I do, she isn't keeping me awake night after night wanting to be held, she isn't being held like a precious and fragile package by her uncle, and most importantly she isn't being loved by her mom the way she should be! Yes, I do love my daughter, but not the way I should! I should love her every move, smile, face, coo, dirty diaper, cry, yawn, stretch, and development! Instead I am only loving the memories of her and changes her life, and unfortunately her death, have brought to mine.

I have changed so much since the day I found out that I was going to be a mom. I stopped smoking, stopped "partying," I ate healthy when I was pregnant, I exercised on a daily basis, I established an amazing relationship and bond with my own mother. When I gave birth to my daughter everything seemed to either stop dead in its tracks or pick back up where I left it. I started smoking again, stopped eating healthy, didn't exercise as much, but my relationship with my mom has developed even more than I thought. We have become closer than what we were when I was pregnant! She may not know exactly how I feel, but she is trying to understand.

I feel as though I wronged my mother by not calling her the minute I found out that Amia was no longer with us. She never got to see Amia, never got to hold her, never got to tell her one last time that she loves her! I feel horrible!

I am the only person, that I know for sure, saw Amia! I remember everything about my daughter! From the length of her hair, to the shape of her eyes and nose, to the chubbiness of her cheeks, and the size of her tiny precious body! I see her every in my dreams, but I feel as though that is not enough!


On to other news about what I have been up to the past 5 1/2 months: my fiance and I set a date, i have been hanging out with my future in laws quite frequently, and I think I have decided that I would like to have another child!

Monday, July 6, 2009


Ok, I have been up here at my mommas house for almost two weeks. I went back home on the fourth and came back the night of the fifth. I loved spending time with my boyfriend, but at the same time I am still not ready to live in the house with 2 men. I still need my mom.

It made me sad when he looked at me and asked "what do I have to do to make you stay? I will do whatever it takes!"

To be honest there is nothing that he can do. There is nothing anyone can do to make me stay in Champaign, or to make me happy!

This time when he dropped me off at the train station he didnt go in with me because he was already crying in the car. I love him so much and I didnt want to leave him, but I HAD to!

From what he was saying when I was there with him, I think that when I go back home he and i are getting married. I dont know yet, I just have to wait it out I guess!

Monday, June 22, 2009


Tattoo I just got yesterday night. Its a heart with my boyfriends initials inside (BDM). Its not the best picture in the world, but its the best I could do right now!

^ My new hair color. its auburn/reddish with darker highlights

^My hair before I colored it.

today is the day!

Today Im going home to my mom and stepdads house! Im leaving around 8 p.m. my time and will get there around 9 p.m. Im so excited!!

I have been thinking about all the "change" that has been goin on in my life and have decided that I am no longer the old me, therefore I should change my appearance a little bit. I went from having darkish brown hair, to having a wonderful reddish color. I also got a tattoo yesterday that I have wanted to get for 6 months, but wasnt sure if I should. Well, I did! I love it and so does my boyfriend!

I dont know how to put pictures in these blog posts...if I did know how I would show pics of the tattoo and my new hair!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Going home!

I have made up my mind, and Im going home! I need to be with my mom.

My boyfriend and I arent talking, still, and he has been doing a lot of things with his family so I have decided that its time for me to do things with my family! I need to grieve away from him. I need to heal a little bit before I talk to him about our daughter.

Now I can be near my mom, my step dad, my dog, and cats. Lately, since Amia died, I havent eaten much. I have maybe eaten three times a week since the 8th. I know when Im up there my mom will make me eat, which is a good thing!

I NEED to be around her. I NEED to be around a woman! I live with two guys, both of which are th typical man, I need to be around people who show emotion!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Home sick?

Is it possible that I am home sick? I mean, really, could it be? I moved out of my parents house 8 1/2 months after turning 18 and have NEVER once thought about moving back in with them.

Yes, I have missed my mom and step dad (dad), but never to the point that I have physically gotten ill. Im not sure if missing them has caused me to become sick, but Im thinking about moving home.

I have never really been buddy-buddy with my mom until I got pregnant. Within those short weeks her and I became close and it felt kind of good. After losing Amia her and I have kind of gotten closer, but I cant really explain how.

Anyway, the past couple of days things have been rough. My boyfriend and I havent really talked much. He has never been much of a talker, but after losing our daughter he has been quieter than ever. The past few days I have felt very naseaus and "pukey" and Im not really sure why.

Am i feeling this way because Im in a great deal of pain from losing my daughter? Or is it because I miss my mom and step dad?

I wish I could describe how Im feeling without going into detail because its kinda gross, but who cares!

I feel like Im going to puke...ALL THE TIME! No matter what I eat, dont eat, drink, dont drink, I feel this way. Some of the time I feel "air headed" and Im not exactally sure why. I cant sleep at night, but its VERY easy for me to fall asleep during normal "day activities." I tend to find myself crying a lot and I dont know why most of the time. I feel like Im "just one big ball" of puke, tears, and frustration. I havent thrown up any food, just liquidy stuff.

Do I move home with my mom where I know I will be able to talk to someone about my daughter or do I stay here with my boyfriend where we never talk about her?

We (my boyfriend and I) have talked about Amia once or twice. We have cried together about/over her, but didnt say a word. I just wish that he could open up and tell me how he feels about our her.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Letter to my sweet angel Amia Grace

My dearest Amia, Im sure that you are looking down on me and daddy and you know how often i cry for you and how I miss you so,but I am not sure if you know how much daddy misses you and it breaks my heart! Daddy doesnt talk about you much because it hurts him to think about how you are no longer here physically. We had big things planned for you.Now that you are no longer here and we can never fulfill those plans daddy doesnt know what to say.We can no longer make plans for our little girl.
Daddy and I may not talk about you a lot, but thats because there are no words that can explain how we feel and how much we miss you. Most of the time it feels as though no one knows how I feel!
Daddy may not show his pain on the outside, but deep down hes hurting. When you were safe in my tummy daddy would rub you,kiss you, and talk to you every night before bed, and when he was leaving for work in the morninghe would say "wake up little one", kiss you, kiss me, then leave. Now that you are no longer with us daddy still rubs my tummy,but instead of kissing it and talking to you he cries for you!
Last night, when daddy was asleep, I heard his breathing slow down then rapidly pick back up. Not even a minute later he was literally reaching for something; he was reaching for you! I sat up, leaned over his body, and looked at his face; sure enough, he was crying and he had a very painful look on his face.The same look he had when we didnt hear your heart beat. The same look he had when I left the hospital room after giving birth to you. The same look he had when I collapsed in his arms in the hallway at the hospital.
I know I shouldnt think like this, but when I leave the house I wish that when I leave the house something bad would happen to me and I would die just so I could hold you in my arms! I know that you are safe, where ever you are, because you are with great grandma and great grandpa, but it doesnt matter.You are my baby! Right now, you should still be inside my womb kicking me ferociously because of the spicy food I havebeen eating, but you're not. You're no longer with me; never again will i feel your tiny feet kicking me. I will never again hear your heart beat. I will never know what your cry would sound like. I will never know what your voice would sound like,who would would have become, who you would have married, and who you would have looked like.
The day I was told, and heard, that you no longer had a heart beat I tried to make a plea with "God." I said that as long as you were born alive, healthy, and safe, I would give you up for adoption. I would have picked the best parents.Parents who go to church every Sunday. Ones who could give you everything in life and more! Just as long as you were born, I could touch you, and I could hear you cry. I even "said" that as long as you lived he could take me. We love you so much and miss you more than words can describe! I wish you were here with me, safe inside my womb. Oh what I would do to have you here, in my arms, for a few hours. I just want to hug, kiss, hold, cuddle, and memorize every feature of your precious body! I wish I could relive the day you were born; I would do so many things different!
Sleep peacefully my love!
Love mommy and daddy!