Thursday, June 18, 2009

Letter to my sweet angel Amia Grace

My dearest Amia, Im sure that you are looking down on me and daddy and you know how often i cry for you and how I miss you so,but I am not sure if you know how much daddy misses you and it breaks my heart! Daddy doesnt talk about you much because it hurts him to think about how you are no longer here physically. We had big things planned for you.Now that you are no longer here and we can never fulfill those plans daddy doesnt know what to say.We can no longer make plans for our little girl.
Daddy and I may not talk about you a lot, but thats because there are no words that can explain how we feel and how much we miss you. Most of the time it feels as though no one knows how I feel!
Daddy may not show his pain on the outside, but deep down hes hurting. When you were safe in my tummy daddy would rub you,kiss you, and talk to you every night before bed, and when he was leaving for work in the morninghe would say "wake up little one", kiss you, kiss me, then leave. Now that you are no longer with us daddy still rubs my tummy,but instead of kissing it and talking to you he cries for you!
Last night, when daddy was asleep, I heard his breathing slow down then rapidly pick back up. Not even a minute later he was literally reaching for something; he was reaching for you! I sat up, leaned over his body, and looked at his face; sure enough, he was crying and he had a very painful look on his face.The same look he had when we didnt hear your heart beat. The same look he had when I left the hospital room after giving birth to you. The same look he had when I collapsed in his arms in the hallway at the hospital.
I know I shouldnt think like this, but when I leave the house I wish that when I leave the house something bad would happen to me and I would die just so I could hold you in my arms! I know that you are safe, where ever you are, because you are with great grandma and great grandpa, but it doesnt matter.You are my baby! Right now, you should still be inside my womb kicking me ferociously because of the spicy food I havebeen eating, but you're not. You're no longer with me; never again will i feel your tiny feet kicking me. I will never again hear your heart beat. I will never know what your cry would sound like. I will never know what your voice would sound like,who would would have become, who you would have married, and who you would have looked like.
The day I was told, and heard, that you no longer had a heart beat I tried to make a plea with "God." I said that as long as you were born alive, healthy, and safe, I would give you up for adoption. I would have picked the best parents.Parents who go to church every Sunday. Ones who could give you everything in life and more! Just as long as you were born, I could touch you, and I could hear you cry. I even "said" that as long as you lived he could take me. We love you so much and miss you more than words can describe! I wish you were here with me, safe inside my womb. Oh what I would do to have you here, in my arms, for a few hours. I just want to hug, kiss, hold, cuddle, and memorize every feature of your precious body! I wish I could relive the day you were born; I would do so many things different!
Sleep peacefully my love!
Love mommy and daddy!

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