Friday, June 19, 2009

Home sick?

Is it possible that I am home sick? I mean, really, could it be? I moved out of my parents house 8 1/2 months after turning 18 and have NEVER once thought about moving back in with them.

Yes, I have missed my mom and step dad (dad), but never to the point that I have physically gotten ill. Im not sure if missing them has caused me to become sick, but Im thinking about moving home.

I have never really been buddy-buddy with my mom until I got pregnant. Within those short weeks her and I became close and it felt kind of good. After losing Amia her and I have kind of gotten closer, but I cant really explain how.

Anyway, the past couple of days things have been rough. My boyfriend and I havent really talked much. He has never been much of a talker, but after losing our daughter he has been quieter than ever. The past few days I have felt very naseaus and "pukey" and Im not really sure why.

Am i feeling this way because Im in a great deal of pain from losing my daughter? Or is it because I miss my mom and step dad?

I wish I could describe how Im feeling without going into detail because its kinda gross, but who cares!

I feel like Im going to puke...ALL THE TIME! No matter what I eat, dont eat, drink, dont drink, I feel this way. Some of the time I feel "air headed" and Im not exactally sure why. I cant sleep at night, but its VERY easy for me to fall asleep during normal "day activities." I tend to find myself crying a lot and I dont know why most of the time. I feel like Im "just one big ball" of puke, tears, and frustration. I havent thrown up any food, just liquidy stuff.

Do I move home with my mom where I know I will be able to talk to someone about my daughter or do I stay here with my boyfriend where we never talk about her?

We (my boyfriend and I) have talked about Amia once or twice. We have cried together about/over her, but didnt say a word. I just wish that he could open up and tell me how he feels about our her.



  1. I think it is because you are in pain and we all want our mommies when we are in pain. Especially since you and your boyfriend are not talking that will make the situation worse. I would try to talk to your boyfriend first. It is a tough time for both of you right now and you need each other.

    I hope things get better soon!

  2. Im so sorry that you're dealing with this. I have had those very dark times too. A little TLC from mom might be nice, but it may make things worse between you and your bf. Did your doctor prescribe anything to you for anxiety or to help you sleep? Ambien & Xanex really got me through those first couple of weeks. Be gentle on yourself. Your grief is so fresh. Sending you a big hug.

  3. I have been on ambien in the past and the only dosage that worked for me was the highest they could legally prescribe. I know if I start taking it again my body will get used to it like it did before.

    No meds for depression either. None have ever worked for me, and they tried a lot of diff meds.

    My boyfriend has been spending a lot of time with his fam and when i told him i was thinking about going home for a bit he said it is probably the best thing.

    He and I are still very much in love, but just dont know how to "deal" with this. I need time to myself before I can talk to him about Amia