Pictures!

Tattoo I just got yesterday night. Its a heart with my boyfriends initials inside (BDM). Its not the best picture in the world, but its the best I could do right now!

^ My new hair color. its auburn/reddish with darker highlights

^My hair before I colored it.

today is the day!

Today Im going home to my mom and stepdads house! Im leaving around 8 p.m. my time and will get there around 9 p.m. Im so excited!!

I have been thinking about all the "change" that has been goin on in my life and have decided that I am no longer the old me, therefore I should change my appearance a little bit. I went from having darkish brown hair, to having a wonderful reddish color. I also got a tattoo yesterday that I have wanted to get for 6 months, but wasnt sure if I should. Well, I did! I love it and so does my boyfriend!

I dont know how to put pictures in these blog posts...if I did know how I would show pics of the tattoo and my new hair!

Going home!

I have made up my mind, and Im going home! I need to be with my mom.

My boyfriend and I arent talking, still, and he has been doing a lot of things with his family so I have decided that its time for me to do things with my family! I need to grieve away from him. I need to heal a little bit before I talk to him about our daughter.

Now I can be near my mom, my step dad, my dog, and cats. Lately, since Amia died, I havent eaten much. I have maybe eaten three times a week since the 8th. I know when Im up there my mom will make me eat, which is a good thing!

I NEED to be around her. I NEED to be around a woman! I live with two guys, both of which are th typical man, I need to be around people who show emotion!

Home sick?

Is it possible that I am home sick? I mean, really, could it be? I moved out of my parents house 8 1/2 months after turning 18 and have NEVER once thought about moving back in with them.

Yes, I have missed my mom and step dad (dad), but never to the point that I have physically gotten ill. Im not sure if missing them has caused me to become sick, but Im thinking about moving home.

I have never really been buddy-buddy with my mom until I got pregnant. Within those short weeks her and I became close and it felt kind of good. After losing Amia her and I have kind of gotten closer, but I cant really explain how.

Anyway, the past couple of days things have been rough. My boyfriend and I havent really talked much. He has never been much of a talker, but after losing our daughter he has been quieter than ever. The past few days I have felt very naseaus and "pukey" and Im not really sure why.

Am i feeling this way because Im in a great deal of pain from losing my daughter? Or is it because I miss my mom and step dad?

I wish I could describe how Im feeling without going into detail because its kinda gross, but who cares!

I feel like Im going to puke...ALL THE TIME! No matter what I eat, dont eat, drink, dont drink, I feel this way. Some of the time I feel "air headed" and Im not exactally sure why. I cant sleep at night, but its VERY easy for me to fall asleep during normal "day activities." I tend to find myself crying a lot and I dont know why most of the time. I feel like Im "just one big ball" of puke, tears, and frustration. I havent thrown up any food, just liquidy stuff.


Do I move home with my mom where I know I will be able to talk to someone about my daughter or do I stay here with my boyfriend where we never talk about her?

We (my boyfriend and I) have talked about Amia once or twice. We have cried together about/over her, but didnt say a word. I just wish that he could open up and tell me how he feels about our her.


UGH...IM SO FRUSTRATED!!

Letter to my sweet angel Amia Grace

My dearest Amia, Im sure that you are looking down on me and daddy and you know how often i cry for you and how I miss you so,but I am not sure if you know how much daddy misses you and it breaks my heart! Daddy doesnt talk about you much because it hurts him to think about how you are no longer here physically. We had big things planned for you.Now that you are no longer here and we can never fulfill those plans daddy doesnt know what to say.We can no longer make plans for our little girl.
Daddy and I may not talk about you a lot, but thats because there are no words that can explain how we feel and how much we miss you. Most of the time it feels as though no one knows how I feel!
Daddy may not show his pain on the outside, but deep down hes hurting. When you were safe in my tummy daddy would rub you,kiss you, and talk to you every night before bed, and when he was leaving for work in the morninghe would say "wake up little one", kiss you, kiss me, then leave. Now that you are no longer with us daddy still rubs my tummy,but instead of kissing it and talking to you he cries for you!
Last night, when daddy was asleep, I heard his breathing slow down then rapidly pick back up. Not even a minute later he was literally reaching for something; he was reaching for you! I sat up, leaned over his body, and looked at his face; sure enough, he was crying and he had a very painful look on his face.The same look he had when we didnt hear your heart beat. The same look he had when I left the hospital room after giving birth to you. The same look he had when I collapsed in his arms in the hallway at the hospital.
I know I shouldnt think like this, but when I leave the house I wish that when I leave the house something bad would happen to me and I would die just so I could hold you in my arms! I know that you are safe, where ever you are, because you are with great grandma and great grandpa, but it doesnt matter.You are my baby! Right now, you should still be inside my womb kicking me ferociously because of the spicy food I havebeen eating, but you're not. You're no longer with me; never again will i feel your tiny feet kicking me. I will never again hear your heart beat. I will never know what your cry would sound like. I will never know what your voice would sound like,who would would have become, who you would have married, and who you would have looked like.
The day I was told, and heard, that you no longer had a heart beat I tried to make a plea with "God." I said that as long as you were born alive, healthy, and safe, I would give you up for adoption. I would have picked the best parents.Parents who go to church every Sunday. Ones who could give you everything in life and more! Just as long as you were born, I could touch you, and I could hear you cry. I even "said" that as long as you lived he could take me. We love you so much and miss you more than words can describe! I wish you were here with me, safe inside my womb. Oh what I would do to have you here, in my arms, for a few hours. I just want to hug, kiss, hold, cuddle, and memorize every feature of your precious body! I wish I could relive the day you were born; I would do so many things different!
Sleep peacefully my love!
Love mommy and daddy!

Mad at the world...mad at God!

Ok, i have been thinking a lot...and when I say a lot, i mean A LOT...
How come people who dont go to the dr and/or ob/gyn at all during their pregnancy have normal healthy babies?
how come K had 2 kids, went to the dr 1 time with each of the (at 20 weeks to see what she was having), smoke a pack or more a day, drank, smoked weed, and drank pop and coffee...as well as many other bad things while she was pregnant and the worst thing that happened to her kids was: asthma and they weighed like 5 or 6 pounds?
how come L's old roommate (S) had her baby at 7 months, it was 75% under what it should have weighed, she went to the dr 1 time to see what she was having, and she gets to keep her baby. No one is doing anything about it, they are letting her take home her daughter, the same daughter that she intentionally neglected while in utero hoping it would die, and arent doing anything about it.
how come drug addicts and prostitutes and young kids can have babies, but I cant?
How come MY baby had to die?? Why didnt S's daughter die? She didnt want P daughter but yet her daughter lived and shes taking her home! How come Katies kids lived? I only smoked for a week or 2 after I found out I was pregnant, I didnt drink, I didnt smoke weed, I took my prenatal vitamins, I went to make sure everything was ok 3 or 4 times, and I did everything I was supposed to and stay away from stuff i should have stayed away from (seafood, coffee, pop, cigarettes, drugs, unportected sex, etc).
How come I had to lose Amia, but I still have very vivid dreams of her?? Is this Gods way of punishing me? Why is God being so evil to me?? Yeah, I have had my doubts about Him, Im not perfect, and I did have sex out of wedlock but who cares! There are other people out there far worse then me and He lets them live!
Im not sure what He is trying to do, but I hope He isnt trying to make me get closer to Him cause believe me, Im not going to...if anything this is pushing me further away!
sorry, but i needed to rant for a lil bit!

Tired of it ALL!

Im tired of everyone coming to me telling me how hard their life is because their boyfriend hasnt called them in a week and how I "dont understand" what they are going through!
Im tired of people telling me that i lost Amia because...(insensitive comment here)!
Im tired of crying everyday and night!
Im tired of only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night!
I have no clue where i am going with this post, but whatever!
Seriously, do people think that I am "over" losing my daughter? Do they think it is ok to come to me with stupid B.S. about boyfriends not calling and then tell me i dont understand what they are going through and i dont know what emotional pain really is?
For many years I have provided a shoulder for people to cry on and have never once complained about it and now, in my time of need everyone is trying to cry on my shoulder about petty problems and refuse to talk to me about Amia. The only person who have really talked to me about my daughter is my mom and i feel weird talking to her because i know how heart broken she is and she has never had a miscarriage. How am i supposed to expect her to understand where i am coming from if she has never experianced it herself! Dont get me wrong, i love my mom and enjoy talking to her about Amia, even though at times it is very emotional, but i would love to be able to talk to someone who has been in my shoes!
I just want to attack someone, anyone, right now! I am so frustrated, hurt, tired, and sick that it makes no sense. How am I supposed to "be ok" with everything that is going on, help everyone with their problems, and at the same time deal with losing my daughter without talkin to anyone about her?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH EVERYONE ELSES PETTY ASS BULLSHIT WHEN I CANT EVEN DEAL WITH LOSING MY DAUGHTER?
How is it that you want me to tell you why your boyfriend isnt calling or why you still have morning sickness or why your mom is "being unfair" when I cant even tell my mom or boyfriend why my daughter died!?!? How am I supposed to answer your 1,00,000 questions when NO ONE can answer my ONE question!
If people dont realize that I am not in the mood to hear their bullshit right now, and want to focus on my life then they are going to get a rude awakening! No longer am i going to be a push over! I need "me" time...I need someone to talk to...I need a shoulder to cry on!!

8 Things

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

My boyfriend coming home.

Taking a nap

Cuddling

Seeing my mom

Eating some sun chips

taking a hot bath




8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:

Wrote Amia Grace a poem

Read some emails

Emailed a few people

Cried

tried to take a nap

Rented movies

Took a hot shower

Played video games with my boyfriend



8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:

Stop crying!

Still be pregnant with Amia

understand math

Buy a car

Crawl under a rock and stay there

Understand why things happen

Talk to my mom about my daughter (in detail)

Make people understand!!


8 SHOWS I WATCH:

I dont watch much tv, but I do like:

Secret life of the american teenager

biggest loser

TLC bringing home baby & baby story


8 FAVORITE FOODS:


Home made Macaroni and Cheese

Mashed potatoes

Fried Chicken

Fried Okra

Northern beans and ham

Chocolate

Chicken and Dumplings

Christmas ham

8 PLACES I’D LIKE TO TRAVEL:

Hawaii

The Bahamas

New York City

Africa

Puerto Rico

Haiti

Japan

tahiti

Dreams!

I dont know where to begin.

Ok, last night before my boyfriend and I went to sleep I considered talking to him about Amia, but every time i went to say something I cried. He wiped my tears and held me tight against him and rocked me to sleep.

This morning, around 5:20, I woke up and was having a dream about Amia. It was the most real dream that I have ever had. I was giving birth to her, at 18 1/2 weeks, and when she came out she let out this little squeel that sounded like a newborn puppy or kitten. The nurse refused to let me see her or hold her because they wanted her to die. My boyfriend came in and took Amia from the nurse and handed her tiny body to me, picked me up out of the bed, and carried me to the car. Once we got in the car we had no clue where to go, but we knew we had to leave cause the doctor was chasing us trying to kill our baby.

We ended up at another hospital and when we showed them Amia they were so shocked that she was still alive and that she was larger than normal 18 1/2 week babies! They hooked her up to a ton of machines, ran a bunch of tests, and finally told me it was ok for me to go back and hold my baby! They had given me a shot to help my milk come in and said that if I wanted to I could breast feed her.

I walked back into this room and couldnt find the incubator that had Amia in it. I started panicing and yelling at the nurses because I thought that had stolen my baby. Well, my boyfriend pointed out the incubator that had our little girl in it. I took her out, sat down and startec examining her body. She had all 10 fingers and toes, 2 ears, 2 eyes...everything was perfect. She was definitely the most beautiful baby I had ever seen!

When I breast feed her it was one of the most surreal moments! I couldnt believe that not only did she survive, but she was breast feeding and everything appeared to be fine. Daddy took her from me and spent some time with little Amia.

The last thing I saw in my dream was him holding her kinda close to his face and he was about to kiss her little chunky cheek!

In my dream she looked just like she did the day I gave birth to her!

Oooh how I wish she could be here with us right now. I long to hold her, cuddle her, change her diaper, bathe her, breast feed her, talk to her...I could go on and on, but no matter how much I want her back nothing is ever going to bring her to me! I will never again see my little Amia Grace. I will never hold her to my breast and watch her eat! I will never see her take her first steps, nor will I ever hear her first word! It a tough reality that I have to face every second of every day until my final day comes, and then her and I will become once more!!

I love you baby girl!!

A poem for my baby

Ok, I had a dream last night that I was writing a poem for Amia. Well, I woke up at 3:20 am, grabbed a paper and pen and wrote down what I remembered.

I didnt take pictures of her when she was born, I didnt get her footprints, none of that good stuff. I was in shock because it all happened so fast I didnt have time to really think.

I am going to make a scrapbook or something for her. This poem will be in it!

Amia Grace

From the time I knew you existed I longed to hold you against my chest.
I vowed to be not only a good mom, but to be the BEST
I longed to teach you how to talk
Watch you learn to crawl, and teach you to walk.
YOur grandma was eagerly awaiting to be a YaYa
And I could wait to hear you say mama
Even during the rough patches you made everything feel a little better
even when the morning sickness made me feel "under the weather!"
I didnt mind that you kicked me when I should have been asleep.
How did you make it hurt so much, with those ity bity feet?
You would have been my little princess,
my heart, my soul, my world.
but after a short 18 1/2 weeks something went wrong,
and you my love, my daughter, my angel, were gone.
You will never walk this earth nor breathe this air
Yes baby, I know its not fair!
I would have done anything for you to live,
for you, my own life I would give!
But, no matter how many tears i shed or how loud i scream
you will never be here physically...you will always feel like a dream.
You will always be in mommys heart and on my mind
you are the treasure I seek to find.
I may not have taken your picture or kissed you little head
but every night yours is the face I see before going to bed!
I swear to you baby, I will never forget your beautiful face.
You will always be MY Amia Grace!

She was my first born and always will be!

I love you AMIA GRACE!

Amia Grace

Upon "giving birth" to my daughter I assumed that I would name her Lainey Jolene, after all that was the name that I had picked if I had a girl.

Up until yesterday I hadnt told anyone that she was a girl, not even my own mom. Yesterday I decided that I wanted my baby to have a name that meant something! A name that an angel would have. I talked to my mom for a bit then asked her to look up names for boys and girls that meant beloved or loved something along those lines. The first few names she came up with were boys names.

Well, she eventually came up with some girls names. There was Amia, Jahzarrah, Grace, Shushaunna, and a few others. She told me that Amia means beloved and Grace means God Favor. After hearing that I knew my baby girl finally had a name. Amia Grace!

Jahzarrah means princess, and beloved princess would have been a lovely name meaning, but I dont need a name that means princess to remind me. No matter what, I will always think of her as my little princess, my angel!

To me, there is no other name in the world that is so fitting for my daughter!

Amia Grace, you WILL be missed dearly, but you will NEVER be forgotten!

Mommy, daddy, YaYa, and PaPa will always miss and love you!

WHY ME??

Tomorrow would have been the "big day!" The day I was to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Well, I found out on Sunday that the baby that I have been carrying is no longer alive and that she would have been a girl! She WOULD have been my lil Lainey Jolene, my lil side kick, my little me, but now she is my angel baby!

The night before I found out my Lainey Jo was no longer alive my boyfriend and i had been looking at carseats, strollers, pack 'n' play's, cribs, breast pumps...all that good stuff. Not even 8 hours later I was in the E.R.

When I looked at the ultra sounds screen and I didnt see the heart beat at first I knew that my worst fears had come true. My baby, my moms first grandchild, my brother and sisters niece was no longer alive. I probably should have expected it because I hadnt felt her move in a day or two, which was unusual, but knowing that I had been, am still am carrying my dead baby inside me scared me! Yes, I was given the choice to get a D&C or whatever they do when you are this far along, but I didnt want to risk it! I decided that it would be better if I let my body do what it is intended to do.

I have a feeling that this is all my fault! My mom told me it isnt, but I cant help but think it is! From the time I first found out that I was pregnant it seems as though everyone else is, well was, happier about it than I was. It doesnt/didnt help that I was constintly stressed because of family problems and I was always sad and still am sad!

The thing that really worries me is that when I "give birth" to my daughter I wont want to see her. I know it will hurt me to NOT see her, but I am scared that once I see my precious Lainey Jo I wont want to let her go and that I will become depressed again.

For the past 7 years I have been struggling with severe depression, PTSD, insomnia, and many other "disorders" due to past trauma, but I am very scared that seeing my baby will make things worse! I have only seen two dead bodies in my short 20 years of life and both of them were elderly people. The second person was my grandma and that was a little over two years ago and I still have not fully recovered from her death! She was my heart, my confidant, the keeper of all my secrets!

Ugh...I dont know what to do or think! I just wish that things were different!