Tomorrow would have been the "big day!" The day I was to find out if I was having a boy or a girl. Well, I found out on Sunday that the baby that I have been carrying is no longer alive and that she would have been a girl! She WOULD have been my lil Lainey Jolene, my lil side kick, my little me, but now she is my angel baby!
The night before I found out my Lainey Jo was no longer alive my boyfriend and i had been looking at carseats, strollers, pack 'n' play's, cribs, breast pumps...all that good stuff. Not even 8 hours later I was in the E.R.
When I looked at the ultra sounds screen and I didnt see the heart beat at first I knew that my worst fears had come true. My baby, my moms first grandchild, my brother and sisters niece was no longer alive. I probably should have expected it because I hadnt felt her move in a day or two, which was unusual, but knowing that I had been, am still am carrying my dead baby inside me scared me! Yes, I was given the choice to get a D&C or whatever they do when you are this far along, but I didnt want to risk it! I decided that it would be better if I let my body do what it is intended to do.
I have a feeling that this is all my fault! My mom told me it isnt, but I cant help but think it is! From the time I first found out that I was pregnant it seems as though everyone else is, well was, happier about it than I was. It doesnt/didnt help that I was constintly stressed because of family problems and I was always sad and still am sad!
The thing that really worries me is that when I "give birth" to my daughter I wont want to see her. I know it will hurt me to NOT see her, but I am scared that once I see my precious Lainey Jo I wont want to let her go and that I will become depressed again.
For the past 7 years I have been struggling with severe depression, PTSD, insomnia, and many other "disorders" due to past trauma, but I am very scared that seeing my baby will make things worse! I have only seen two dead bodies in my short 20 years of life and both of them were elderly people. The second person was my grandma and that was a little over two years ago and I still have not fully recovered from her death! She was my heart, my confidant, the keeper of all my secrets!
Ugh...I dont know what to do or think! I just wish that things were different!
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This blog is...well, my way of trying to cope with my recent miscarriage. I miscarried my daughter Monday, June 8th, 2009. I was 18 1/2 weeks pregnant when my world came tumbling down! I have chosen to call her Amia Grace, which means beloved Gods favor. She will always have a very special place in my heart as well as her Ya-Ya and Papas hearts! Sleep well my angel, sleep well!!
See her, hold her, take pictures. It will be the only chance you get. When all is over, you will look back and have regrets about the things you wish'd you had done. She is yours, your baby and this will change your life forever. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I know from experience that I regret not taking pictures of my son after he died. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI wish things could be different for you too! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is so unfair and I wish no one had to go through it. It definitely is not your fault. Unfortunately there is nothing you could of done.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of hugs!