Dreams!

I dont know where to begin.

Ok, last night before my boyfriend and I went to sleep I considered talking to him about Amia, but every time i went to say something I cried. He wiped my tears and held me tight against him and rocked me to sleep.

This morning, around 5:20, I woke up and was having a dream about Amia. It was the most real dream that I have ever had. I was giving birth to her, at 18 1/2 weeks, and when she came out she let out this little squeel that sounded like a newborn puppy or kitten. The nurse refused to let me see her or hold her because they wanted her to die. My boyfriend came in and took Amia from the nurse and handed her tiny body to me, picked me up out of the bed, and carried me to the car. Once we got in the car we had no clue where to go, but we knew we had to leave cause the doctor was chasing us trying to kill our baby.

We ended up at another hospital and when we showed them Amia they were so shocked that she was still alive and that she was larger than normal 18 1/2 week babies! They hooked her up to a ton of machines, ran a bunch of tests, and finally told me it was ok for me to go back and hold my baby! They had given me a shot to help my milk come in and said that if I wanted to I could breast feed her.

I walked back into this room and couldnt find the incubator that had Amia in it. I started panicing and yelling at the nurses because I thought that had stolen my baby. Well, my boyfriend pointed out the incubator that had our little girl in it. I took her out, sat down and startec examining her body. She had all 10 fingers and toes, 2 ears, 2 eyes...everything was perfect. She was definitely the most beautiful baby I had ever seen!

When I breast feed her it was one of the most surreal moments! I couldnt believe that not only did she survive, but she was breast feeding and everything appeared to be fine. Daddy took her from me and spent some time with little Amia.

The last thing I saw in my dream was him holding her kinda close to his face and he was about to kiss her little chunky cheek!

In my dream she looked just like she did the day I gave birth to her!

Oooh how I wish she could be here with us right now. I long to hold her, cuddle her, change her diaper, bathe her, breast feed her, talk to her...I could go on and on, but no matter how much I want her back nothing is ever going to bring her to me! I will never again see my little Amia Grace. I will never hold her to my breast and watch her eat! I will never see her take her first steps, nor will I ever hear her first word! It a tough reality that I have to face every second of every day until my final day comes, and then her and I will become once more!!

I love you baby girl!!