Ok, i have been thinking a lot...and when I say a lot, i mean A LOT...
How come people who dont go to the dr and/or ob/gyn at all during their pregnancy have normal healthy babies?
how come K had 2 kids, went to the dr 1 time with each of the (at 20 weeks to see what she was having), smoke a pack or more a day, drank, smoked weed, and drank pop and coffee...as well as many other bad things while she was pregnant and the worst thing that happened to her kids was: asthma and they weighed like 5 or 6 pounds?
how come L's old roommate (S) had her baby at 7 months, it was 75% under what it should have weighed, she went to the dr 1 time to see what she was having, and she gets to keep her baby. No one is doing anything about it, they are letting her take home her daughter, the same daughter that she intentionally neglected while in utero hoping it would die, and arent doing anything about it.
how come drug addicts and prostitutes and young kids can have babies, but I cant?
How come MY baby had to die?? Why didnt S's daughter die? She didnt want P daughter but yet her daughter lived and shes taking her home! How come Katies kids lived? I only smoked for a week or 2 after I found out I was pregnant, I didnt drink, I didnt smoke weed, I took my prenatal vitamins, I went to make sure everything was ok 3 or 4 times, and I did everything I was supposed to and stay away from stuff i should have stayed away from (seafood, coffee, pop, cigarettes, drugs, unportected sex, etc).
How come I had to lose Amia, but I still have very vivid dreams of her?? Is this Gods way of punishing me? Why is God being so evil to me?? Yeah, I have had my doubts about Him, Im not perfect, and I did have sex out of wedlock but who cares! There are other people out there far worse then me and He lets them live!
Im not sure what He is trying to do, but I hope He isnt trying to make me get closer to Him cause believe me, Im not going to...if anything this is pushing me further away!
sorry, but i needed to rant for a lil bit!
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I have struggled with the same feelings. I have come to believe that God doesn't punish us by taking our babies, that sometimes bad things happen to good people and there is no reason why. Life is horribly cruel at times, but it is also beautiful. You will probably never know the "whys" and that in itself is extremely hard to accept. Be angry, you're allowed, cry, write, pray, reach out, isolate, do all those things and when you start to feel better, life will seem worth living again. I'm so sorry for your loss...Hugging you
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss of Amia Grace. That is a beautiful name you gave your baby girl.
ReplyDeleteI've had my moments when I felt the same... That I was being punished for the sins I had committed throughout my life. It's a hard thing to wrestle with. It took a lot of encouragement from some of wonderful blog world ladies to snap me out of one funk a few months ago... I'm leaving the link to my post about it, but more for the two comments my blog friends left me... they say it so much better than I could... I hope this helps you find a little peace.
Many hugs to you.
http://emptyarmsbrokenheart.blogspot.com/2009/03/restless-and-sad-and-rambling.html